February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
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Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[montage of me giving-up]
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret