The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
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Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
3% human
97% stress
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.