I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.