“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
as is their right
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
inventing words: clothing
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.