“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
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I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The first matador
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new