Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
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What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
How can I say no to this ?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Smile they said.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.