My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Day 2 of my diet
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.