Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.