T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
You Might Also Like
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*