Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
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If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
girls literally only want one thing..