Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
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Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Not helping
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden