Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
This was my dad’s browser history.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.