Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
You Might Also Like
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Oh. My. God.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush