My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Hell yeah 👍
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*