When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]