If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective