Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Seems legit
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit