Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
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I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I get distracted pretty eas
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?