[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
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5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.