I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Childbirth is so beautiful
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.