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Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
*pokes sex life with a stick
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…