My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*has no idea what a book even is*
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.