I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.