The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
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Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If snakes were wide
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow