It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
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well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”