its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef