I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
spicy snake
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross