“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.