I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
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Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Not recommended for beginners.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.