Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Tell me you get it…🤣
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.