this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.