Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.