A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
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Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday