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“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened