Does it…does it take 3 days
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
The Others (2001)
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?