i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Love is in the air fryer.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
what it’s like dating me:
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.