THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?