They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
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IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Did…did a minotaur write this
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!