Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
*puts words between two asterisks*
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
WHY?!
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today