I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
You Might Also Like
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Hey I worked for it too!
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.