Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.