Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
this is literally a CIA plant
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*