I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.