I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
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So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Has there ever been a more American story?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Hit me in the face with a bird
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on