Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.