Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.