which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this