1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
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i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face