HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
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My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.