My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
LOL
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.